We get it, you love your kids

Congrats.

I love mine too.

But every time I hear someone say:

‘My kids are my world’

A part of me dies.

Like… what was there before them then? Nothing but air?!

Honestly, this culture of complete self sacrifice around motherhood is unhealthy as fuck.

And it just needs to stop.

Somewhere along the way we decided that the more exhausted, overwhelmed and self abandoning a mother is… the better she must be doing.

And I’m calling bullshit.

You do not birth a child and suddenly cease to exist as a human being.

You are not absorbed into one.

Of course you’ve changed. Of course you love harder than you ever thought possible. Of course you now experience fear in places you didn’t even know existed.

We ALL get it.

But fundamentally?

You’re still the same fucking person.

And as savage as this sounds, your children are NOT the most interesting thing about you to anyone BUT you.

I hate watching women disappear like this.

Watching their entire personality slowly get replaced by this beige, stress induced identity called ‘Mum.’

Purely because they happened to push a child out of their body.

Every single thing now revolves around the child. Friendships disappear. Hobbies disappear. Personality disappears.

And somehow we’re supposed to applaud this shit like it’s the highest form of womanhood.

I’m sorry, but no.

I flat out refuse.

Because where did SHE go?

Where did that hilarious woman go? The woman with passion? The one with opinions, depth and energy outside of coordinating naps and comparing the latest unbreakable water bottle.

Your own children don’t even fully know you.

They know the version of you that’s been stretched too thin trying to meet everybody else’s needs.

And I’ll openly say this to my children.. they are the thing I love most in this world. But they’re not my whole world.

I love a lot of other things.

As I should.

What an unbearable amount of pressure to place on a child.. to be the sole source of someone’s happiness, identity and purpose.

I don’t find that beautiful.

I find it fucking sad.

And maybe part of the reason this feels impossible now is because women’s lives are so much bigger than they used to be.

Back in the day women ran homes and raised children, yes.

But now, we do everything.

We work, run businesses, have goals, dreams, inner lives, maintain friendships and relationships.

Our lives are fuller, louder and more demanding than they were fifty years ago… yet somehow we are still expected to parent with the exact same level of endless availability and self sacrifice.

Like we are some abundant source of energy that never runs dry.

It’s impossible.

And honestly, it’s just annoying as fuck watching women pretend otherwise.

I am anti-performance in every single area of life.

Parenting included.

And even saying that feels controversial. Because in every other area women are encouraged to have boundaries, rest and standards but in motherhood.. you’re selfish if you don’t completely relinquish your right to happiness.

Why are we acting like running yourself into the ground is proof of love?

Why is exhaustion now the marker of a good mum?

Why are women acting like being needed every second of the day is somehow aspirational?

You still need to exist as a woman outside of motherhood.

And this obsession with regulating every tiny emotion children have now.. it’s exhausting.

We act like children being bored is some kind of parenting failure.

I’m sorry but if I told my mum I was bored when I was a kid, she’d hand me a cloth and tell me to wipe the skirting boards.

Now boredom is treated like trauma. Like it’s your responsibility to ensure that your child never has a need that you can’t meet.

Children are allowed to wait. They are allowed to be frustrated. They are allowed to realise that the world does not orbit them.

Because one day, it won’t.

And honestly, we’re doing them a disservice by pretending otherwise.

Your child can not become the sole source of your identity, happiness, purpose or emotional stability.

Please think about it logically.. you’re relying on a tiny human who cannot emotionally regulate themselves in order for YOU to feel emotionally OK.

With a partner we’d call that codependency.

But with children, we romanticise it.

Ah she’s such a good mum

Works so hard for those kids

Always exhausted

Never does anything for herself

Always on edge wondering whether Jekyll or Hyde is waking up from their nap today.

Great, let’s all celebrate the woman who completely forgets she even exists, martyrdom at its finest.

And before anyone sharpens the knives, of course your children should be your priority.

If there was one dinner, they’d eat.

If we both needed hospital, they’d go.

If it was me or them in some dramatic Titanic situation then yes, launch me into the Atlantic immediately.

We all love our kids.

We would die for them.

But very few women are actually living alongside them and that’s the issue.

Your wellbeing matters too.

Maybe even more so, seeing as you’re the one that actually keeps this entire world turning.

And I’m not talking about face masks, bubble baths and one afternoon off every six months.

I mean actually protecting your nervous system day in, day out. Actually resting before your body breaks. Actually allowing yourself to be present in their lives by not carrying 3000 spinning plates all at once.

Because what happens when you completely abandon yourself for twenty years, raising children only to realise that there’s nothing left of you when they leave?

Which this is exactly why so many women hit midlife and realise the only thing they know how to be is ‘Mum.’

For years they’ve been everybody’s everything while slowly becoming absolutely nothing to themselves.

We talk endlessly about healing the aftermath of overgiving but barely anyone talks about preventing it.

Nobody tells women:

Hey, maybe don’t completely disappear because you might need yourself again in a few years.

And let’s not forget, our children learn how to treat themselves by watching how WE treat ourselves.

If you run yourself ragged, they learn burnout.

If you people please, they learn self abandonment.

If you never rest, they learn guilt around slowing down.

If you tolerate awful relationships, they learn that love equals exhaustion.

The entire reason I left my relationship was because I didn’t want my children growing up believing emotional loneliness was normal.

Children don’t do what we say.

They absorb how we live.

Honestly my kids are almost TOO good at protecting their peace now.

I mean, fantastic for their nervous systems but terrible for getting them to attend family gatherings they can’t be arsed with.

But I’d still rather that than raising adults who think love means self destruction.

And can we also talk about this obsession with making children feel exceptional every second of the day?

Because the world will not stroke your child’s ego the way you do.

Of course your child is amazing to you. Of course you think their weird little squiggle drawing deserves a place in the Louvre.

That’s normal.

But if a child is raised believing every single thing they do is genius, exceptional and above criticism… what happens when they hit the real world?

When they fail or get rejected?

And I know because I did it. With the best intentions of course.

But regardless, I absolutely produced a child who struggled massively with losing and honestly made sports day borderline (massively) intolerable for a few years.

And let me tell you, it is MUCH harder to undo entitlement than prevent it.

Yes, your children need your love.

But they also need resilience, patience, frustration tolerance, empathy, boundaries and perspective.

And they do not learn those things by being emotionally centred every second of the day.

They learn them by existing within a family where everybody gets to matter.

My children know this house is peaceful because I protect my peace fiercely.

But they also know when I’m struggling, when I need space and when I need help.

And they know when I need them to stop asking me seventeen questions whilst I’m mentally hanging on by a thread.

They get to have their moments.

But so do I.

Because empathy fucking matters.

And no, children should not become emotional carers for their parents.

But they should absolutely understand that other people have needs too.

That is literally how you raise considerate humans.

I think there’s something incredibly healthy about children seeing that other people matter too.

That mum gets tired, that mum needs space, that mum says no.

Because one day they will become adults and they will need to know that saying those things does not make them selfish.

Honestly, children really don’t need a permanently exhausted mother making balloon arches at 11pm.

I do not remember whether my mum hand stitched my school costumes or not.

But I DO remember the feeling of stress in my childhood home because she tried too hard to do the things she thought mattered and completely erased herself in the process.

That’s what stays with you.

So of course, love your kids. Adore them. Protect them with your fucking life.

But for the love of god, do not make them your only thing.

You are still a person.

Your children’s mental health is not more important than yours.

Their hobbies are not more important than yours.

Their friendships are not more important than yours.

Their rest is not more important than yours.

Honestly, I think a lot of women aren’t even exhausted from parenting itself but from the impossible performance of trying to be endlessly available whilst pretending they don’t have limits.

You are a mum, yes.

But you are ALSO a human being.

Please stop hating yourself for that.

A few things worth asking yourself:

• When was the last time your needs came up without you immediately dismissing them?

• When was the last time you rested because you needed to not because you literally had no choice?

• Do your children know you as a whole person or just the woman who makes them dinner?

• Are you teaching your children how to love themselves or how to abandon themselves for everyone else?

And the big one:

• If your children grew up and parented exactly the way you do now, would you actually want that for them?